Ice Queen (film)
Ice Queen is a story of a challenged young ice aged lady, wearing a onesie laced with red tubes. When she touches snow, she can transform into a blue wrinkled monster that likes to claw out human hearts and freeze them from the inside out. She is played by actress Ami Chlorton, who also appeared in Die Another Day, and made a cameo appearance in an episode of Kung Fu Warriors.
Plot[edit]
The Movie Follows A Very Outrageous Plot
There is a plane crash in the ice slopes, the ice queen, as we are led to believe, is in this plane crash and survives along with a trusty pal who she allows to live...for now. Suddenly there is an avalanche, and the villagers flee the slopes. Two men, who earlier on in the film, were seen shooting flares at polar ice caps hopped on their snow boards and commence the race of their lives against the avalanche, and fortunately they survive, seeking refuge in an abandoned ski resort....NO WAIT, it’s not abandoned, there is actually a posse of survivors hanging out in there. These important characters also have interesting subplots such as the man who cheats on his girlfriend (who is there too) with a much blonder, sexier and possibly more mentally deficient ho with fake boobies (she is there too) while they are sorting out their differences they are totally unaware that the Ice Queen is also in the ski resort, resulting in a wacky adventure full of fun, and death. Oh did I also mention that the Ice Queens lil' buddy is there too along with Audrey (who I presume is some sort of cruel ice queen herself). The avalanche fully buried the lodge, so all of the survivors are trapped in - with the ice queen. Above the ice, a fat man, presumably one of those peoples uncle and his pooch are totally confused as to how they survived an avalanche by seeking shelter in a possible toy car. Fat Uncle decides to do the proper thing and call the emergency services. He is coldly denied help because the operator on the other end of the line naturally assumes that he is "Drunk Again". He is told to call back tomorrow when she presumes he shall be sober. So with no hope of any help fat uncle does what must be done and steals from dead people and digest some snow. MMMM Healthy. Meanwhile back in the ski shack the Ice Queen is busy feasting on one of the snowboarding rebels (not the African-American one).
The other one (mentioned above) flees for his life and joins up with the gang of the cheater his girlfriend and the possible hooker. Also in his flee from the ice queen he had a brutal fight with her resulting in his face being clawed and her being pushed into automatic hand drier. This raises the question: Can she only be destroyed by immense heat?
Whilst partying with his new crew, they bump into the Ice Queens pal from the plane, who assures them that she is just a harmless foreigner and is only frightened. The gang beg to differ, though for some unknown reason they accompany the man on a quest to find her. This was a bad move as they run into....Audrey. Audrey, clearly more angry than scared, begins arguing with everyone because she is pretty much bipolar.
So now with a fine posse of 6 you would naturally assume they could take down one frozen old chick from the ice age...WRONG!
In a turn of events, The gang has realised that the White snowboarder has been missing for quite some time, so they group nominated the two most capable of the group, the man with half a face clawed off, and the dumb bimbo. g The pair run off together, resulting in a romance. They make out for quite some while unaware that they are in the same room as Dead-Friend and the ice witch. Also they seem to forget that they have known each other for around 20- 30 minutes. But then again, Can't love find anyone? The Ice Queen soon angry that everyone is getting action besides her grabs one of her nice red tubes and strangles the man from behind. This results in some pathetic screaming from the dumb blonde who then runs away leaving her man friend to be dragged into the tunnel that the Ice Queen had prepared earlier. Is she a Meerkat? The Dumb chick who somehow forgot to put a bra on that morning rejoins the gang. She brings with her an array of emotions; anger, confusion and Audrey.
Audrey seems pretty laid back as seen in this quote
Dumb Blonde :( whilst running and screaming) No-no-no-no-no-no
Audrey; Hey hey toots, slow down slow down, what’s the big upwar?
Dumb blonde: s-s-s-she t-t-t-took hummm s-ss-s-he gr-gr-grabbed hum d-d-ragged hum d-d-own a-a-a- a-h-h-hole
Audrey: calm down, who grabbed who?
Dumb blonde: t-that b-blue wrinkly b-b-**tch t-tthing t-t-ook Jesse we- where j-just sitting there s-she grabbed hum than d-dragged hum d-down a f-f***king hole.
Audrey: okay (shaking her head) where did this all happen?
Dumb blonde: down there, down that way
Audrey: what was this thing?
Dumb Blonde: I don’t know, some screaming "ablegghbish" thing
Audrey: The howls? (Blonde nods) Oh so that’s what that thing was
As you can see here Audrey has no fear and calmly asks the girl to accompany her back there. Audrey’s also tells her " Don’t worry no bad fashioned b**tch will f**k with me"
Nice choice of words Audrey... a mighty fine choice.
Whilst in the room where the brutal attack happened the the dumb blonde points at some ripped corpse bits and says "that’s where she got him"
Audrey then goes on to crawl over these remains and looks down the tunnel.
They make their way back to the others. This is what follows
Everyone: Elaine! (I assume this is the dumb chick)
Girlfriend: Where is Jesse?
Dumb Blonde: it killed him
Girlfriend: What. What do you mean?
Audrey: (calmly) she means your friend is dead
Girlfriend and Cheater: What?
Dumb blonde: It killed Jesse and Devlett (formally known as Dead-Friend)
Stunned looks all round
Audrey: Look, Somebody...something got hold of your friend, turned him into a frozen food display.
After a nice speech/ excuse from the Ice Queens pal the dumb blonde decides to share with everyone just how much of a scrubba she is by saying:
“I was kissing him at the time, and she just grabbed him and dragged him down an f**king hole. And when we got back Jesse was in little pieces (she signals the how small they were with her hand)".
Audrey then interrogates the Ice queen’s friend resulting in an explanation that quite frankly doesn’t explain much.
The Dumb Blonde then makes assumptions that this guy is totally high by saying:
"This guys on drugs (muffled cry then storms off into the welcoming arms of.....Audrey?
Cheater then exclaims that arguing will do nothing, and leads the pack out of safety into the halls filled with emanate danger.
Back to the surface, fat uncle is getting nowhere with his search and rescue, and decides to break into his nieces car to steal a shovel, and start digging, There is an emotional moment in the car when uncy caresses a tassel hanging from the revision mirror. He must have realised that his niece may actually be dead. But he doesn’t give up hope. He tells his dog that he got her this shovel for Christmas, because he thought it would be handier than a CD - he was proved correct.
The gang makes their way up to the attic, the coldest place in the shack. Audrey complains about everything, exclaiming 'pain, shmaine, i need some heat! Whose with me!?'
The gang sends cheater out to find some blankets, Audrey criticising his every action. He calls himself and idiot, and sincerely regrets sleeping with the dumb blonde. His sad attempt at appologising to his girlfriend, leads him yelling into the air, at no one, "I love you Tory!"
He finds conveniently placed blankets.
Looking down the hallway he sees the lovely Ice Queen in some wobbly stance.
She does some kind of "sexy" move and Hisses. She is clearly aroused by his presence and probably thinks she is finally going to score. You then see heat vision of the man; he is blue, most likely indicating he is cold. The ice queen then does a sleasy eyebrow lift and moans. Cheater looks fearful. The Ice Queen then goes on to stick her largely taloned finger in her mouth ....some kind of sexual thing?
She than strokes her face with her hand probably wiping all of the herpes of her hand that she got from her mouth.
The Man then states the obvious " She must be attracted to me because I’m freezing..."
The Ice Queen moans, wails and hisses sounding like she has phlegm and then pulls a sour face and continues roaring like a lion, allowing him enough time to WALK away with his blankets.
Back with the gang he shares the blankets around, Audrey pretty much claims a whole blanket for herself leaving four other people (including the man who risked his life and innocence to get them)with one.
Audrey then somehow convinces the group to leave safety yet again.
They venture to "a front room that would be warmer"
Cheater: She might be right
Audrey: MIGHT BE tut.
So off they pop to the magical room.
The scene then flicks to the Ice Queen who is roaring and performing some kind of sexual mutant frozen chick cat walk. Tyra would not be impressed.
The Ice Queen continues her strut into the Kitchen where she crouches low and hisses. she touches a scolding pot of tea...(who put in on?) and screams, taking her anger out on some helpless trays of cups. She throws a bowl of salad (again, who put it there?) and reaches for the milk. She then pours the full two litres into her mouth and then reaches for another (who left two cartons of milk on the bench?) With milk trickling down her face she reaches for the ice cream. She re-enacts the Paris Hilton burger on chest scene and has a make out session with it. She throws it away and snarls...will she ever be pleased?
Back above the snow Uncle is with his dog digging. He digs up a power box and turns on the lights causing a small explosion above the surface.
The gang is walking down a hallway when they hear someone crashing about in the kitchen.
Dumb Blonde: Did you hear that noise? Maybe it’s someone trying to reach us, it’s coming from there (points to door)
Everyone else : Don’t....Elaine
But she goes anyway screaming hello the entire way.
She sucks in air, and the Ice Witch snarls, then dumb blonde then backs into a revolving door. The door brutally attacks her, sending her flying back towards the Ice Queen. She screams out to the gang, and they come running in to save her. She is clawed in the massive breast by the Ice Queen, before being aided by girlfriend. Girlfriend fends off Ice Witch with a metal spoon. How helpful. The spoon was no use, and was knocked out of the way, instantly. Cheater grabs a pre-prepared tray of boiling water, and throws it at her in defense. She runs away into the dining area.
Audrey doesn’t care about Dumb Blonde, and goes to finish the Ice Witch off herself. Ice Witches pal tries to help, but he is told to 'go away'. He follows Audrey to where the Ice Witch went.
Ice Witch approaches from behind, and Audrey quotes
'its show time in b**tch town". Ice Queen snarls some more, whilst the plane pal rambles about how magnificent and majestic she is. "GLORIOUS!" He screams.
Audrey then states, "Bring it on Snow-white!" Ice Queen 'ultimate punches' the plate which Audrey is using as a shield. Screaming in pain, Audrey then says 'careful honey, you might break a nail'. Ice Queen doesn’t like this remark, and picks up Audrey and throws her over a table, Stepfather style.
The gang in the other room hear this crash, and make stupid comments like 'well, that cant be good..', and venture towards the sound. Dumb Blonde struggles to walk because of her shoulder wound.
Audrey, clearly not harmed by the attack, bounces back up a yells, 'is that all you got?'
She pulls out a dagger that she had tied around her neck, the WHOLE time, and runs towards the Ice Queen, screaming. They both fall to the ground, and have a girl fight. Ice Queens pal, clearly not happy that she is being beaten, grabs a glass jug and smashes it over Audrey’s forehead, with extreme force. This gives the Ice Queen an advantage, and she crawls on top of Audrey, penetrates her stomach, and freezes her from the inside. This is shown by the puffs of fake white steam emerging from Audrey’s mouth. Clearly impressed by her victory, the Ice Queen then turns on her plane pal, who then bows in her honor, as she is queen. They have a conversation, or roaring that goes like this
Plane Pal: ROOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAR
Ice Queen: ROOOOOOAAARRRRR
And so on...
Dumb blonde, cheater and girlfriend do not wish to help and instead formulate a plan for their survival.
The Ice Queen and Plane pal are still continuing their Roar-off when cheater decides to crash the party. He walks in just in time to see plane pal be disemboweled by Ice Queen.
Cheater then runs to the group and says...." We gotta get out of here"
They run away. Ice Queen hot on their trail...strutting once more. She does a dramatic turn around a corner and HOWLSSSSS.
She begins a faster pace eventually doing a full on run.
In the epic chase the gang come across the remains of their dead friends. In a desperate attempt to slow her down Cheater throws furniture at her...missing every time
They find the remains of the plane along with a ladder leading upwards.
Being the gentleman that he is Cheater allows his girlfriend to go ahead of him but the dumb blonde and her gaping wound after him leading to some slashing of her legs. Ice Queen Latches onto her legs and in a desperate attempt for help she reaches up to cheater and he takes her hand. The Ice Queen then shoves her icy fist into dumb blonde’s spine and freezes her. And as the life fades out of her eyes Cheater find it rational to....pull off her frozen arm! In disgust he tries to throw it away but it is stuck to him in an icy embrace. He finally gets free and runs to the attic they were in before. Were they that close to safety the entire time? Had Audrey sent them to certain death by leading them out of there?
They run to an air vent that had been hiding behind some cardboard boxes and go inside.
It leads directly outside where good ol' uncle is waiting. They forget to close the hatch they just came out of giving the Ice Queen more chance of killing them.
Once outside the Ice Queen approaches her man friend. Not wanting to put Uncle, pooch and his girlfriend in danger Cheater shuns them to the forests. Leaving him and the Ice Queen some alone time.
They decide to go hot tubing together and Cheater strips to his skivvies making himself colder to her heat vision and basically...more attractive. He makes small talk to her before they bathe together and foolishly the Ice Queen jumps into the hot tub where you are shown in graphic detail the melting of her skin and decapitation of her body.
At such a romantic time Cheater decides to propose to his girlfriend using a ring that Uncle was keeping handy. She accepts. YAY!
They move on with their lives and the scene flicks back to the hot tub full of melted Ice Queen...and...OMG... Her plane pal somehow survived what Audrey could not and pulls out a flask which he then fills with her DNA. Creating one of the best final lines EVER
"DNA!!! Come on baby we're goin’ home!" he then kisses the flask and the screen fades to black.
Room for a sequel?
I THINK SO!!!!!!
LONG LIVE AUDREY!